Just sent an email to a casual acquaintance and to jog her memory described myself as “the enslaved writer who scrubs toilets for a living.”
Ouch! Yet oh so true.
Nothing would make me happier than to be freed of the slavery pounded into body, brain and spirit by my father in my childhood.
More precisely, nothing would bring peace and freedom like being freed of the slavery pounded into body, brain and spirit by my father in childhood.
That which doesn’t destroy us makes us stronger. A lovely concept that I no longer believe; life evidence to the contrary is overwhelming.
Truly I do not know how to break free from bondage. Or, I have forgotten. The result is the same. I no longer remember how to be free, only survive.
I would like to be shown how to be free. Wonder whether it has anything to do with the F word.
A gadzillion times harder in every respect than that other F word. (“Fuck,” not “freedom,” just to be clear.)
The good list for today, Tuesday, Oct. 14:
1. The (very) reluctant and displeased willingness of my boss to allow me a leave of absence on short notice that I need.
2. The shit that came out of my client’s mouth and shared with others behind my back (a) being overheard by me in a moment of perfect timing and (b) occurring at my shift’s end, freeing me to get away ASAP rather than endure the day.
3. A gift that allows me to take a leave of absence. So needed. So dare I say deserved? I dare not yet sure would like to believe it.
4. Freedom from my client, the darkness and the bondage that is that job. At this deeply and uniquely special time.
5. Fine weather. Mighty fine! I marvel each day at the sun and blue sky (in majority). Except to never shake off fully the deep deep doldrums and depression wrought by the Pacific Northwest climate. Might as well ask one to forget his or her worst nightmare. Which makes each day in Colorado all the more blessed.
Some call it a Gratitude List. I’m calling it the Good List. Those things which are pleasing at the beginning or end of my day.
2. Pandora on the iPad. Call it music on the move or portable music or music wherever you are, the iPad seriously rocks. And Pandora isn’t far behind!
3. Herbs. Herbal teas. Herbal supplements. Herbal concoctions. Herbs to bring balance. Herbs to cleanse, to fix what ails, to restore and return harmony that’s missing. My affinity with herbs is no small matter. I can easily imagine being an herbalist in another lifetime!
4. The sun. Colorado sunshine. Oh what a difference is a world with sun compared to one without! The dreary gray cold damp Pacific Northwest. Not gonna go there, not now, figuratively, or again (literally). What a rotten miserable place for a body that needs warmth and, well, sun! So yeah, sun remains consistently high on the Good List.
5. A residence absent the roommate. Having the place — and space — to myself is a really really good thing. Really good. In fact, our shared cohabitation functions best with minimal interaction. Best is me here and roommate back with his girlfriend, which seems to be the case. Let’s hope it continues.
Writing, and blogging, with no name. The lovely privacy and unbearable anguish. This completes my first post.